I have pushed myself too hard lately. Long days (10-12 hours), seven days a week since I got home on Jan 10th. I felt really behind and lazy and not at all good about myself. So I pushed it. And the last week I have been a total wreck. I only got through because of a few knit nights, a totally accepting and supportive family, and more caffeine than I have indulged in for a long time.
Things are good now. I ran off this morning to Puerto Rico with C for two weeks. I left the shop and house in my Dads loving and capable hands. I did bring some things to do, but it is a lot of busy work, research, catching up on trade publications, starting my taxes. I look back and i can't believe all that we got done in the last month. There are only three more soaps that need to be made, a few hundred more lotion bars, some special orders, sachets, and samplers. I mean really, a few more weeks of work, maybe a month if I can take it easy this time. I will be all set for the show season to start for the first time that I ever can remember.
But I need to not let myself get stretched so thin. I really was at the point where I was crying while watching TV commercials, and going from "fine" to "blooming nuts" in 3.5 seconds. It is so not worth it for me to get that way. And there is no need. Just an internal conversation with myself that self imposes deadlines and work hours. A driving desire to "catch up". To who or what I am not exactly sure. To work hard to prove to dad and c that i do.... Silly me, they already think I work too hard, don't need to prove anything to them. Need to keep up with a mystery person, like keeping up with the Jonses but rather than buying new cars, I am trying to be more creative, more productive, and more perfect than some fictional, mythical being who is just like me but better, and who doesn't exist at all.
I already feel better just getting away. I can't be in the shop, i can't clean the house, I can't do detailed work because I don't even have a computer with me i can do it on. I can only do what I have with me, and that is only so much. I have only checked my email 100 times today, hopefully tomorrow will only be 50, and the day after only 25 times, till I can let go, disconnect some, rest. It has been a while.
1 comment:
UGH! I really hope this getaway is great for you (though i seem to remember you being a little sick at the get go? just the craziness catching up i suspect) but i hope you're now just kicking back and enjoying it
and when you get back to RL, you'll have all that hard work from before that will have paid off and you can just take it a little cooler (if you can stop the C-thing (comparing, competing, controlling) with yourself ;)
hugs!
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